


Help Me-Pt.6/?

by WinterReadingerDixon67



Series: Help Me [6]
Category: Marvel, Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Bucky Barnes Feels, F/M, Feels, Sad, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-11
Updated: 2016-12-11
Packaged: 2018-09-07 18:27:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8811514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WinterReadingerDixon67/pseuds/WinterReadingerDixon67
Summary: With memories coming back, it makes it even harder to accept the life you’re living.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Look who finally posted the next part? I really hope you guys like this one, PLEASE let me know what you think!!

_ “Get to it my dear, the day’s not over yet. Especially if you want to see your Jamie again, I advise you to do exactly what I tell you or there will be dire consequences. You don’t want that to happen now, do you?” Pierce’s hand grazed your cheek lightly, sending shivers down your spine and made your stomach uneasy. You shook your head, making sure to keep eye contact on his. _

_ “Good, now, the Asset is going to be getting his arm fixed and adjusted. Your job is to make sure they,” he gestured towards the men in white lab coats, who were now surrounding the Asset, “get it done. No matter the cost. If you need to use painful force, do it. I don’t care what you do, as long as it gets done.” His hand gripped your upper arm hard enough to leave a bruise, as you were dragged to stand in front of the man. You knew his name, who he was, what he did for his country, his friend Steve, but no one else knew that. Especially Pierce. So you kept it a secret, a secret that would surely kill you if anyone found out. You could tell the procedure they were doing on his arm, was painful. Mainly close to where the metal met flesh. A plate had come out of place close to his shoulder, so in order to fix it, they had to shift it around a bit. Meaning, they had to do cut into the skin in order for it to be put back into place. _

_ Bucky hid the pain well, but you could see right past it. He might not be showing it, but he could feel it. It was painful for you for being under Hydra’s control, having to follow their every order. But it was your son that kept you going. If you did a job well or lived up to Pierce's expectations, you were given the chance to see Jamie for five minutes. Even though it was only for a short while, it was enough. But just as soon as he was put in your arms, he was taken from you. Again. So this is why you did it, you did it for your son. _

You woke up in a cold sweat, breathing heavily. It was the same every night, watching Bucky either get patched up or getting beaten up to a pulp, with you putting him down. Then Jamie was in your arms, his soft chestnut curls tickling your chin, his butterfly kisses. Then he was gone. Little by little your memories were coming back, but they were ones you wanted to desperately forget. You wanted ones of Jamie. Times of when he grew up, went to school, lost his first tooth, running on the playground, but no, you were stuck with the ones that now haunted your everyday life. You stayed in your old room since then, not being able to sleep next to the man who you apparently, helped torture.

With sleep no longer an option, an early breakfast seemed like a good idea. Throwing the damp sheets off your body, you headed towards the kitchen.

You went straight for the ingredients to make pancakes from scratch. From memory, the batter was made and poured onto the grill. As the first batch cooked, you grabbed the sprinkles and blueberries and scattered them on the top. Flipping each one over when it was time. You repeated the routine down until the last batch of batter.

“Could I have extra blueberries in mine?” You screamed causing the batter in your hand to go flying at your attacker. You whirled around to see Bucky standing in the doorway with batter splattered all over his shirt, hair and face. The tip of his tongue poked out and licked away the batter from his lips. “It’s good, but I’d rather eat it than wear it doll.”

“Dammit Bucky, you trying to give me a heart attack? Warn a person next time!” You didn’t mean for it to come out so coldly, but with the events that occurred over the past few days, the memories returning, it was hard. You began to scold yourself after your harsh words to Bucky, when all he’s ever done was be kind to you, putting on a fresh batch of batter.

You tended to steer away from the team since when the truth was finally revealed. Especially Steve, he was never the same after that, something was…off about him, but you couldn’t tell for sure. In fact, everyone seemed to be off in a way. You could feel their eyes on you every time you walked into the room when you went on missions. Missions were another thing. You noticed how you were always paired up with Nat, Tony or Wanda, never with Bucky. Steve was always paired with him, making sure you were distracted with other tasks. But you never thought anything of it. The smell of something burning brought you back, rushing toward the stove you turned it off and looked down at the blackened pancakes with a sad face. While you were off beating yourself up, you happened to miss Bucky’s reaction.

He was shocked from your outburst, not expecting you to lash out this way. Bucky hasn’t seen you in a few days, you would either lock yourself in your room or would avoid him and everyone else at all costs. Whenever he reached out to touch you, take your hands in his, you’d jerk away mumbling something about not wanting to hurt him. Hands that were once gentle, turned into weapons, hands that tortured him, all in the name of Hydra. He was on a mission when the memories came back, it was slow at first. A Hydra agent was fighting against him when it happened. The agent grabbed a hold of Bucky’s face in order to shove him away. That’s what triggered him, the hands clasped on the sides of his face. He remembered how soft (Y/N)’s hands were when she first touched him in that way. When they hooked the wires to his metal arm when he made a mistake. He hated her for it, at first, but after gauging her reaction when she watched her son play in a holding cell, he understood her reasons. Years passed before he saw her again, the Civil War took place, amends were made and everything went back to normal. He met (Y/N) again, fell in love and then life went on. What hurt him the most was her reaction when she no longer remembered him. But this was for the best, she didn’t need the memories to come back to haunt her.

Except, his own stupid nightmares thought differently, make him to relapse and cause a chain reaction. Everything fell into place after that.

He watched as you painfully scrubbed the burned food off the grill, mumbling under your breath. He noticed the tears spill from your eyes into the soapy water. Stepping carefully, he made his way towards you.

You scrubbed harder at the grill, frustrated when the food wasn’t coming off. “Stupid pan, stupid memories, fucking Hydra…” Your arms stilled when a warm and cool hand settled on your shoulders.

“(Y/N), stop. Let it soak lyubimaya,  _ (beloved), _ w hile we eat before the food gets cold.” You leaned into Bucky’s chest, the pan dropping back into the sink. His hands roamed down your sides around your waist. “Why did it have to be me? How can you even stand being with me, after all, the hurt I caused you? I don’t even know where Jamie is! O-Or who he really is, except that he’s my son!”

He turned you to face him, hands firmly holding you to him, “I don’t know why they took you, but they no longer have you. I understand why you did what you did, you had no choice. I’ll help you remember the memories you lost, it’ll take time, but I’ll help you. Just please, please don’t push me away anymore.”

“O-Okay.” He smiled down at you, placing a soft kiss on the top of your head. “Now, what do you say we eat those pancakes you spent all morning making?” His eyes fell on the pile huge stack of blueberry and sprinkled filled pancakes behind you. Bucky’s stomach growled loudly the longer he stared at them.

“I don’t know, I am pretty hungry and I don’t feel like sharing.” You couldn’t help but tease him, but the look on his face was priceless. He looked like a heartbroken puppy who was just rejected his treats. He whined, his head dropping on your shoulder. “But, babe, come on. They look so good! Please?” He looked up with those damn big blue eyes, pulling off the puppy dog face perfectly. So of course you broke.

“Yes, my cute adorable blue eyed puppy.” You tapped his chest, turning out of his arms to start filling his plate. You topped it with extra blueberries and some butter before handing it to him. “Could I possibly have extra sprinkles too? Unless they’re sacred.” You looked down at the sprinkles in your hand and frowned sadly, but replaced it quickly with a smile, putting extra sprinkles on top. However, Bucky noticed the small change.

“Have another memory?” Your head shot up when he murmured the question. “H-How did y-you know that?” He took your hand in his, grazing his thumb across your knuckles.

“(Y/N), I’ve known you for four years. Well…I guess a little more than four years, considering what happened before, but since you asked, yes I did notice. I’m guessing the sprinkles had something to do with it?” You answered him with a gentle squeeze, watching the butter melt and mix with the multiple colors. From what you could remember, it was one of Jamie’s favorite things on and in his pancakes. He always asked for extra sprinkles. “My son Jamie always asked for extra sprinkles, whenever….whenever, I made him pancakes. I can’t believe I have a son, I just wish-I wish I could remember more about him.”

“And you will just give it time,” Bucky replied while he began eating, groaning from the first bite. “No wonder he always asked for extra, these are amazing.” You laughed as he continued to stuff his face with the food. You leaned forward and wiped the syrup off his chin before it dribbled down to his batter caked shirt.

“He also made a mess too, except he didn’t end up having batter thrown at him, covering his shirt and his hair.” Bucky reared his head back and laughed, running his hand through his batter caked hair. His eyes sparkling from the overhead light, chest heaving as he laughed. “Yeah well, I’ve always been a mess doll. No harm done, never really liked this shirt anyways.”

“But you’re  _ my _ perfect mess and I love taking care of you. You and your pancake batter, syrup covered body.” He tilted his head to the side, sitting back in the chair, twirling the fork in his hand. He was quiet for several minutes, studying you, taking the time to take you in. Without a word, he stood up and made his way towards you. You turned to face him just as he took your face in his hands, kissing you tenderly. Your hands made their way into his hair, pulling him closer to you. You groaned in displeasure when he backed away from you. His lips were red and swollen, eyes closed. “Sorry, it’s just that…you’re so beautiful and I’m so lucky to call you my own.”

“Bucky, never say sorry for kissing me.” You followed each word with a kiss. “Seriously, though, let’s get your clothes washed before they get stained, you know how a bitch they are to get out.” Bucky quirked his eyebrow at you, teasingly lifting the hem of his shirt past his waistband, showing the elastic band of his boxers. Your face began to heat up when the first glimpse of his abs began to show. “If you wanted to see me naked lyublyu  _ (love) _ , all you had to do was ask.”

“You are impossible,” you stood up and yanked his shirt off of him, “good thing you’re cute.” grabbed his hand and made your way to the bedroom you were staying in, to grab the rest of your laundry before heading to the laundry room.

“So I’m cute, you’re anxious to see me shirtless  _ and _ eager to try a new room. I gotta say doll, the laundry room? I like it, it’s kinky.” When you looked at him, he had a smirk on his face and wiggling his eyebrows. You playfully slapped his chest and entered the room, immediately placing his shirt in the washing machine followed by your own laundry. “Is that really all you think about? I think we’re going to have to get you more help.” You laughed to yourself, feeling a little bit better about tonight, the real reason behind you being up slowly evaporating. The last of the laundry in, soap poured in, you switched the machine on. Bumping into Bucky when you turned around, his arms steadying you. The teasing smirk now replaced with a frown.

“What’s the real reason you woke up (Y/N)? No one wakes up at three in the morning because they’re craving pancakes.” He dropped his hands from your shoulders, only to take your hands in his. You tried to take your hands from him, but his grip held fast. “Don’t…don’t do that. I understand how you think it’s all your fault, but it wasn’t. Hydra took you and your son captive, forced you to work on me and they’d keep your son safe. Yes, I was confused and hurt as to why you did what you did, but after watching your reaction when you saw him alive…you did for a good reason. But if you want me to help you, you need to trust me.” He was right, you couldn’t keep this to yourself, you knew how that always ended badly. You glanced at your clasped hands, hating how these were the hands that caused him so much pain. Hands used by Hydra to get him under control, making sure he stayed in line. But these were also the hands that held him at night when the nightmares got too bad. Hands that patched him up after a mission, taking care of him when he had his bad days. You couldn’t understand how he could feel so comfortable being so close to you, considering what you’ve done to him.

“You’re doing it again.”

“Doing what again?” He rested his forehead on yours, “You have that look on your face when you’re starting to hate yourself.” You groan out, he could always read you like an open book, but sometimes you wish he wasn’t that good. “I just wish I could remember everything, but forget everything. You know? I know I’m only getting flashes, but after watching w-what happened, w-what I did to you. My son, my  _ son _ . I have a son who I don’t even remember. What if he hates me? And I can’t sleep, every time I close my eyes I see you on the chair. They’re either fixing you or wiping you clean and I’m always there to make sure you stay in line if you get out of hand. These hands hurt you,  _ I _ hurt you. I worked for Hydra, how can you guys even trust me right now? I could be holding secrets, contact information in my head just waiting to be found out and betray all of you and I don’t even know!” Bucky dropped your hands and shook your shoulders.

“Hey! (Y/N) calm down, just take it easy and breath. It. Was. Not. Your. Fault. Now look at me.” It took a few seconds, but eventually you dragged your eyes to his. “I’m here,  _ right _ here and if I didn’t trust you, believe me, you would know. Yes, I was angry at you when you neglected to tell me of your power, but when that memory came back…I understood the reason why.” He took your head in his hands, the contrast of his cold hand helped sooth you. “You had no choice to work for Hydra, you were doing it for your son. And I will do everything I can to help you remember everything and to find Jaimie, you just have to let me.” Tears blurred your vision, taking hold of his hands, nodding your head.

“P-Please help me remember Bucky, I need to know what happened to my Jaimie. I just want to move past this, it’s like I’m living a life that’s not even mine!” Your breath started to pick up.

“I know mladenets,  _ (baby)  _ we’ll talk to Tony and Bruce tomorrow to see if they can use the same technique they used on me, on you.” His blue eyes kept you focused, “Just breath with me okay?” You wrapped your arms around his chest, your face against his left shoulder. Out of instinct, your hands traced the muscles of his back, as his ran down yours. He kissed your temple, holding you tight against him. The only sounds that could be heard were the sound of the soft tumbling of the wash machine spinning going through the rinse cycle. The steady beat of Bucky’s heart began to lull you to sleep, all the sleepless nights caught up with you. Bucky bent down and slipped his arm under your knees, picking you up.

“But for now, we’re going to bed and spending the rest of the day in bed. I don’t care what the others say, you’re not leaving my side. I’ve been cuddle-deprived.” You looked forward to staying in bed with Bucky again, the comfort of his arms eased your nerves. You missed him. He carried you back to his bedroom and set you down on the bed. No words were spoken as he helped you under the covers, immediately pulling you to his chest, legs tangled with yours. You were finally going to get some answers, you were going to find Jaimie.  _ ‘I’m coming Jamie, I’m coming for you baby, hold on, mommy’s coming.’ _

 

**Author's Note:**

> Next part of Motionless should be posted tomorrow! As always, requests are open!! :)


End file.
